Have you found that there are seasons in your life which require a time of waiting? Sometimes the wait is but a few hours or perhaps a day, but there are also the challenging and frustrating seasons where we find ourselves immobilised indefinitely, especially with regards to spiritual matters.
Being patient in a long wait is to me the hardest part of all. Initially I am fine, but as the months roll by and the haze before me refuses to clear I can begin to doubt myself, even doubt that God is doing something behind the veil of my ignorance, and in those few seasons where my heart hit the floor more than once I've even felt myself drawn deep into the valley of depression.
Waiting for answered prayer over a long period of time can be hard and if that prayer has worn your knees into the carpet then you may well have experienced those same moments of doubt, despair or frustration - perhaps even walked the valley floor.
I've been contemplating a few yearned-for answers lately, questioning whether they are 'pipe dreams' or if I've been too focused on having God work things out my way that I've lost sight of His sovereignty, His love for me and those I pray for, and the knowledge that His way will very likely look different to the one I've been suggesting all this time.
I'm a woman whose mind and habits are the result of a lifetime lived with both good and bad experiences, so the way I imagine a particular prayer should be answered is quite often tainted by an emotional need. And one should never trust in emotion as it's borne from both tragedy and triumph, humility and pride, even hormones and relationships, which will make it unbalanced much of the time. Often this has been my undoing.
Just as dawn brought a glimmer of light today, I slipped out back to the swimming pool and stepped down into the water until I was lost under the crystal clear surface. There was a very real sense of washing the world from my mind. Lately my nights have been restless as I pondered many things in prayer and sought the answers I felt my soul needed, but as my body became one with the salt water it was Psalm 42 which came to mind...
As the deer pants for the water, so my soul cries out to You.
The red flames of the poinciana tree next door leans beautifully over our fence and floating on my back it was all I could see painted across the clear blue sky. Then the beautiful hymn taken from Psalm 42 which I'd often sang in church filled my heart and then fell from my lips.
The tree, the water, the Psalm, the song.
My burden was lifting ever so gently as only He can do.
And then I knew.
Even in the waiting, even in the shadow which steals my clarity, even in the unknowing, He is with me. It's okay. My answers will come when Father God has done all that needs doing, and they will come in His perfect time.
Because I can trust Him.
Because my soul thirsts for Him above all else.
And I can trust Him.